i'm tired.
Saturday, August 27, 2011 
8:14 PM ♥
when will i know how it feels to be truly happy?
what do we do when we're terribly upset?
how do we react to things that cause an incurable impact?
how do we try to run away?
how can we escape from reality itself?
how do we handle those tortures that are even worser than hell?
how can a scarred heart be healed of it's scar?
how to pick up those little shattered pieces that was broken from lving you?
we cry, we scream, we feel frustrated, feel pathetic, feel terrible, feel like dying,
feel like running from every single thing, feel like just banging heads to the wall to
just forget those terrible memories, impacts, feelings.
no matter how much we try, we just can't run away from it, neither can we face it,
the scar is too big, the impact is too huge, the tortures are lower than painful.
i'e lost faith, lost hope, lost love, above all, everything i once had.
i can never retrieve something that's stolen and has already went into the past.
i'll never be able to move on in this state,
i sympathize with the next guy if it happens in eternity that will love me.
he has to work hundred times harder to heal my heart, make me trust, hope, love and everything
i've lost, he has to build it all back for me again. nasakenai ne?
i'm just so tired of living, so tired of getting hurt, so tired of receiving huge impacts
and tortured by terrible memories and most of all, everything that i don't want to think of,
brought up, or recalled. i'm foolish. i'm stupid, i'm helpless. i'm really useless.
those little things to others, small little things in others' eyes. are treasures to me.
they're one of a kind, i can never retrieve them, they're already gone.
i truly regretted it, and i'm constantly being tortured in a place even worse than hell,
living hell. sakai no chance wa, zero percento. i've learned that love is rubbish, love hurts me,
love brings me pain, love tortures me, love cheats on me, love betrays me, love kills me.
from now on, i replaced love is happiness with love is hatred. love is pain, love is betray, love is torture,
love is losing something. love is regret. i'm really falling deeper and deeper than ever, into this never ending darkness huh? i can't be saved by anyone already.
i can't even save myself, no one is even there to lend me a hand, i don't even help myself up.
just stay down, just stay fallen. just stay hopeless. just stay broken..
It's painful to say goodbye to someone you don't want to let go -
Feels so empty -
Missing someone is a horrible feeling, but knowing that they don't miss you back is so much worse-
Holding on is hurting me. Letting you go will hurt me. Watching you move on will hurt me. No matter what happens, I'll end up hurt.
You can call me every bad thing you can think of, it won't hurt me. I've heard it all before.
It hurts when someone practically tells you that you're not good enough for them. It makes you wonder if you'll be good enough for anyone.
-
, like social events. Get use to a Scorpio's pride. Do not insult it. Scorpio especially likes to be seen with successful people.
The negative traits of a are being vindictive, jealous, inflexible and introverted.
The sign is associated with Intensity, passion, and power.
is powerful, controlling and has a magnetic personality. This domineering sign goes well with Capricorn, Pisces, Cancer and Taurus.
-
Labels: do you remember me.
itami te nani.
Thursday, August 25, 2011 10:55 PM ♥
somehow i just want to forget everything that relates to you.
every single thing.
i am too lazy to even post a blog nowadays. i never even reblog anything in my tumblr.
i do update my twitter from time to time though.
n' levels closing in, i'm in a bind. i have no idea to go floorball division two match or
not to go. i'm pressurized. my studies are falling downwards. i have to study more.
yet i can't skip out on floorball too. i feel like it would be my fault for not helping my teammates
if i could them if i am there. however, i still don't know uh.
today is a thursday yet it feels like friday.
many things ran through my head today. i keep thinking of you. it's like a bomb of memories
exploding whenever memories flashed through my head.
i want to get you out of it. i don't want to think of you anymore.
i don't want to hold onto this useless false hope anymore. i hate you to the core.
yet i can never hate you fully. nasakenai ne?
hahs. anyways i updated my blog link with new photos and my featured with new animation.
even my own animation i also added new ones.
since i haven't been updating my blog, i made some modifications to suit my feel when i come back.
my playlist has a complete expoding songs of
54 tracks. I think i am going crazy already. so many tracks.
but whatever. i don't give a damn.
walls are building up. walls that no one would ever overcome, thicker than ever. stronger than that of steel.
i'm just too afraid of everything.
enough of those tortures. i don't want to suffer from loving you one sided anyways, but because of you,
i just can't stop myself from loving you. fucking false hopes are holding me high up, and i know,
somewhere in the sky, i would i dropped and i would die from that falling pressure.
i pierced my ears last week. it doesn't hurt one bit surprisingly.
If there is one thing can't take, it's being deceived, and they always know when they're being deceived.
The positive traits of a are determination, diligence, charm, refinement and a sense of purpose.
The negative traits of a are being vindictive, jealous, inflexible and introverted.
The sign is associated with Intensity, passion, and power.
is the opposite zodiac sign of Taurus.
It is very difficult to pretend or fake in front of a so don't even try it.
-
it sucks most when you can't have what's right in front of you. -
Labels: over protective of myself now. i'm way too afraid of experiencing what i've already did.
aitai te negatemo aenai.
Monday, July 18, 2011 12:11 AM ♥
hello, i'm here to post for today, today is quite a long day ^^
i wokeup at 10 plus? and then i saw hoying's message, asking if i've woke up already or not.
i replied her wakeup already, then she already heading out to cut hair, so i wokeup and prepare go out etc.
didn't make it in time to go and accompany her cut hair. chenhui went down to accompany her haircut instead. i went out of house at 11 plus. went to chenhui's house to makeup etc. while waiting for hoying to finish showering at home and come to meet us (: while at chenhui's house waiting for hoying to come and find us, we makeup spent alot of times to find clothes for chenhui wear, and esp on makeup. i draw the eye liner until half the grandma open the door and come in LOL. she scold us say what "you all spend such a long time doing makeups. and then chenhui was like, unhappy like that ahahahha. because the grandma keep standing there while i helping her to draw the eye liner LOL. like, i think two years since i put on eyeliner already, and for chenhui, it's her first time :P expected la. i helped her to draw the top part with abit of cat eyes and the bottom tried to teach her but failed LOL. ahahha, then hoying later cabbed to come and find us at chenhui's house, after she came, we started to take zilian pictures hahaha, ho9ying became really pretty after cutting her hair today, and super glad that she is happy about her haircut at the salon recommended by me :P ahahaha, then shortly after she came, i helped her to tie braids, we did last min preparations, and off we go to tiong to meet kaihong, chester and marcus (: they brought the ticket for us first already, incase there is no more space. and we ended up slacking for abit before the movie starts,
around 2.40 we went into the theater and we sat down to wait for the show to start, the movie was quite interesting, though i somewhat don't understand it because i forgot what happened in the first part, so i didn't exactly understand it in the beginning, but slowly i understood the storyline. the movie wasn't bad, but it didn't actually meet my expectations. sort of disappointed yeah, but it was still awesomeee :D
after the movie, we went to safra together to go pool or bowling. we couldn't get the chance to pool,
because they were having what shit competition in there and we went up for bowling, but the guys didn't know how to play and then they decided to slack there, i wanted to go to henderson wave to spam take pictures, but the guys also didn't want, so endedup we split, girls go henderson wave and boys continue slacking there ~ we went up there to sit and take photos for around 40 minutes-1 hour.
guess what? we saw boonkiat there! LOL, and was like, OMG BOONKIAT! we saw him yesterday. today too LOL~~ then after that we went back to safra, to see if the pool thing end already, cause the person say 6.30 end, then we go ask, fuck the person ok. he say 7.38 to 8 like that then end. = =
then we were like "HUH WTF?" then like that we can;t play already, went to ya kun kaya toast there to meet up with the guys, and over there discussed about what to do next, we had thought of going to cyrus.
then ended up we decided on going to vivo. we had some food while discussing in ya kun. then chenhui was deciding on going back home or go with us, we decided by games. then we ended up playing endless one.
because we wanted her to come no matter what hgahahaha, i played tictactoe with her, i fail badly, i'm bad at it LOL. then the zhuo yi quan you yi quan de thing also i losing to her badly, then slowly i picked up the pace and understood how i can play this game, and got the points back wakakakaka. also, in the bus on the way to vivo, we played the game also, after reaching vivo, we went to the skypack to slack and sit.
and then we ended up playing true or dare, it was certainly super funny luh. the guys are damn epic though :X then we played till around 8.50 going to 9. chenhui wanted to go home, but in the end got bribed by hoying saying she'll sponsor her 10$ for the cab back LOL ♥ she stayed. then 9 we splited up with the boys with the intentions to go home. wanted to take cab together, but then in the end, we walked to vivo taxi stand, LONG QUEUE, walked to harbour front taxi stand, LONG. crossed opposite to the interchange, couldn't get any cab at all, my foot were really tired out because i wore heels for the entire damn day. ): then we couldn't flag any cab at all, chenhui's grandma was furious that she still didn't go home at 9+. she didn't believe chenhui's sister explanation about the cab back to tiong thing, and we couldn't get any cab by 9.30 and we actually went from place to place and attempted on taking it, we ended up taking bus 65, we all dropped off at opposite zhangde there, my legs were seriously too tired, and there is a long way home. i had to take one more bus trip and walk home or i'll have to cover a longer distance, so i endedup cabbing back home. the fare was 3.70. was seriously tired out when i reached home, showered and came online. sian, tomorrow has school and hwp, got ss test about healthcare. gg.com le luh, i didn't study at all, and there is pasar malam around redhill mrt area, wahahaha. so gonna take a look around after school tomorrow with chenhui, i'm currently eating my dinner and it's already 12am.. tomorrow i might be late le luh. hope i don't wakeup late so i don;t have to waste money on cabs, hahahah.
I feel worthless. No matter what i do, i'm still not good enough -
I'm such a good pretender. No one realizes I'm so hurt inside. Yay.-
11:11 Love me back.
Autophobia: The fear of being yourself, The fear of being alone.
11:11 I just want to be happy. I am tired of feeling so worthless everyday.
-
Dear self: stop being a failure. Dear body: get attractive. Dear face: get pretty. Dear personality: get appealing. Dear legs: get skinny...
Nobody has ever replied back with "no you're not okay." Maybe I really am good at pretending or maybe they're too scared to ask.
I miss you. You're probably having a massive amount of fun right now. Without me.
I lack so much confidence. I am ugly. I will still remain ugly, even if I pack on make-up. There is no changing or fixing something ugly.
I don't believe anyone who tells me what they will understand me. It's just another pathetic reason. You're just curious. Fuck off.
Tired of feeling this way. Tired of being fat. Tired of feeling worthless. Tired of being second best. Tired of everything. Tired of life.
I'm tired of trying to be good enough for everyone.
Labels: t i r e d
mo kowareteta no mono wa, modoranai yo.
Sunday, July 17, 2011 2:48 AM ♥
hello (: posting for today again ^^. today played div 2 floorball league game first match,
i was teamed together with qianni, amanda, diana, cheryl&emira~
today's game i didn't do that well, because i was super nervous and all.
ok, got which game i not nervous at all one? none. LOL.
but today i really veryvery happy :D first period i was so scared that i would make stupid mistakes
and get scolded ._. then i got very nervous. second period, i somewhat did better abit i think...
then third period, totally so into the game :P like very the... excited?
i feel somewhat better playing with qianni and cheryl too. i won't be that blur as to don't know what to do.
i do make some blur mistakes though, but they're there to correct me and i can actually learn from them.
somewhat because i'm not good and blur for most of the times so i can't keep up with them somehow,
and i'm not used to playing left side yet. but then i feel motivated by qianni when she cheering other
players up and motivating them LOL. then i feel less nervous and just played my part and try to do whatever i can and try no to make mistakes. the score was 13-2 won against np panthera, was really happy and glad to be in division two, starting i was very hesitant, whether anyone would hate me, would scold me and hate me for making mistakes cause i always, somewhat drag people down.. cause i'm somewhat a very inconsistent person :/ i don't know why i can't maintain myself at the standard where i can play best.
and sometimes i played my worse game and dragged everyone down because of that.
anyways, i'm feeling happy, really very glad that i'm in division 2, that they didn't scold me but helped me
and corrected my mistakes.. anyways, the mainpoint is, i can try to build up my confidence, and can build more from now on, if this continues :D after the merahan knightingales game, went to seven eleven with wenting and aishah to eat~ actually wanted to eat at the food court, but it's already closed. so we went to seven eleven instead, ate my spicy mushroom instant noodle and had my apple tea ^^
then went back to the rp indoor sports hall to cheer the merahan sparrows on, their match result was: 4-1, won. then after sparrow's match, aliah who lent my stick returned it to me, and then we walked back from rp to woodlands mrt station, on the way, i was so damn hyper, i spoke malay, i jumped, i throw paper on aliah, i failed, i went to get paper, i lost my balance, i slipped at the grass and almost did a split. wtf funny!
then i went on crazy for awhile more, then i cool down already, then i go singsingsing LOL.
went over to chenhui's house from woodlands. then slacked at her house for awhile.
soon enough, hoying came and we went down to accompany her to cut hair, something expected came up.
the salon closed at 6, and we went there at 7. yeah, the shop was closed, hoying decided that she diedie want to cut hair today, and she wants a trustworthy one, she keeps asking me and chenhui where to cut,
we went with her to tiong bahru, she this one cannot, that one cannot. honestly i don't know what to do.
i know that she wants to have a nice haircut. i understand, but i only know that salon which is closed, and asked her to cut tmr, i can't do anything about it since it's already closed right? so in the end, she had no choice but to agree with me. we went back to chenhui's house to watch gantz after buying some long john and mac. then while we watching, me and chenhui was joking with her, to her, making fun of her, by saying something. cause from time to time we disturb each other too right? maybe we went overboard this time, sorry about that. i stopped awhile after she said don't say anymore. later when chenhui's grandma came home at around 10 plus, the exact time when we're about to go, i had to go into hiding at chenhui's storeroom this time, because the grandma would be unhappy to see my face there. so we're dragged behind. the part where i had to stay in the dark and stuffy storeroom were funny to chenhui and hoying.
hoying like, keep xialan me ma, then like, i abit angry lol. then result as i got angry...
then i became like, throwing tantrums and attitudes at hoying in the lift. seriously, if i can;t afford to play it, i should not start the game right? then in the carpark all the way until i reach home, i was sulking.
yeah, i'm being such a bad person to hoying. and just now msn chat with her, we ended up quarreling again,
i tried to explain things to her but she doesn't get it in my point of view. then i ended up crying, while explaining to her, somehow, honestly, i feel very pressured and stressed out when she keep asking me
questions, and sometimes it's repeatedly same questions, or those questions that anyone will find it hard to answer when asked suddenly. but it's alright now, we've solved the problem already, maybe we should start to think of others in their shoes to avoid problems. tomorrow will be going out to watch hharry potter with chenhui, hoying and 2 other friend of hoying's. will be going to pool and bowling too, and also henderson wave (: hope we all have an enjoyable day tomorrow, and of course i will take tons of pictures tomorrow (: i see myself as a weak being.
Don't let people's compliments go to your head and don't let their criticism get to your heart.
Sometimes, time doesn't always heal a broken heart. It only allows us to deal with the pain.
-
That mood where you just feel upset for no reason and feel so fucking ugly, worthless and stupid and just feel like shit. -ForeverOnline
Every person I've ever trusted has fucked me over. Every single person.
I always try to find a way to blame myself when shit happens. I forgive too easily. I forget that people will just hurt me again and again.
All the suffering and all the pain. One day, it's all going to pay off.
-False apathyy
there are things in the world that would never be the same again even if you get a chance to get it back. there are things that you won't be able to fix. just like the words spoken out of one's mouth can never be taken back again.
i'm not a good friend. i don't have a good personality, i have a lousy character, i have bad anger management, but when i want to be understood, i'll do anything to explain myself fully to you.
-me
and that's all, byebye, update again tmr.
Labels: forgotten.
mo ichido, kako ni kaeritai.
Saturday, July 16, 2011 12:09 AM ♥
hello, i'm here to post for today :D
nothing much to post at all actually. today isn't a very good day either :/
morning i overslept abit again ): i wokeup at 6.40 AGAIN. lol. wtf. hahhha
then went to school with chenhui as usual. today caught the train at a later timing but well
in the end we wasn't late when we reached school. remembering yesterday hoying told me to
save a sit for her, so i saved it for her, she xialan when she come LOL. she say "BUEYGEIYAN LEH" LOLOL. then i was like "FUUUUUCKYOU" ok. sort of lame, but not as lame as madeleine and chenhui doing some magic trick LOL~~~ then first 2 hours was D&T. hahaha, super slackish for me though.
time passed super slowly for D&T lesson. i modified my orthographic drawing and darkened it too.
then i continue on drawing my exploded drawing. i haven finish drawing my contextual omgg.
i have no idea how to continue the story. and i'm like so many things haven do yet!!
and i am so damn fucking really really omfg behind time! ):
diediediediedie LOL. hahahaha, anyways after D&T comes chinese.
as for chinese we did some newspaper report, then recess, then maths,
got my test results back, got so damn disappointed and sad.
then after that is pct. very angry on top of being sad. indeed a bad day.
after all that, went to foyer and watch huiwen and syaril sing. huiwen xiao wang zi la HAHAHAHA XD
both of them sing very nice also :P and then went to mrs tay's homeroom for stay back and
extra lessons. then staystaystay, stayed all the way till 5 pm. hahaha, on the time when staying,
madeleine and hoying and chenhui like jokers la, damn funny.
too lazy to elaborate this much. watched too much one piece and decided to leave posting for later.
didn't expect later to be past 12 already. ahhaha. then tomorrow is division 2 league game,
sian, need travel all the way to rp for every game :| but whatevers, hope i dont make any mistakes tmr.
i don't want to be scolded. later i feel left out, hated etc again = = ok whatever.
I was so stupid, stupid to give you a second chance to hurt me. -FalseApathyy
Labels: just impossible.
kaeru no dokoro.
Thursday, July 14, 2011 10:07 PM ♥
hello, i'm here to post for today, actually wanted to drag the timing to post, but can't, gotta off at 10,
my mum told me from 11 to 10.30 to 10 need to off ~_~
each day getting more and more earlier ):
today woke up at the same timing as yesterday - 6.40 [ops getting more and more late]
then went to prepare and all that then went to mrt meet chenhui and went to school tgt.
reached school at around 7.15-7.25? sort of late as each day passes by hahaha,
maybe i'm too exhausted from floorball somehow :X
hahah, first period is english, hmms, sort of boring, however, with samuel and jiaqi in the same group,
though i don't interact with them much, i try to talk to them, and got a sweet to eat today, felt quite
happy that i can at least talk abit to them. hahaha, then comes bio class. forgot to bring my
bio notebook, used foolscap instead. somewhat glad i am able to catch up with what miss prema
is teaching about too. hehehhe, and history class is the fun part of today for me ^^
played the other type of murderer which is played by holding hands. and yeah! mr. sekaran never come,
YAY! LOL. when he comes, we chiong work, he;s not around, relax ourselves abit :P
then during recess, ate with hoying, madeleine and xuefang ^^
after recess comes maths, went to miss neo's class with hoying, expecting chenhui they all to be there playing, but got it wrongly :X we're the first two to reach the class, so we started off with the
maths notebook and question. it's one map and scale, lucky i remember how to do :D
and thennnnnn, we had a maths test! i didn't hear about that! was shocked, however lucky miss neo
gave us time to revise abit, it's on varietion, map and scale & algebra (?) i hear algebra coming out
i got super nervous and scared omg. but when we were doing the test, luckyme, i know how to do the questions ^^ and the worse part is the last question, question 8 omgggg!! ): i left 8b blank. it's varietion
i can't understand and i didn't have enough time. heheheh, after maths we had mother tongue. today chinese lesson is read newspaper, surprisingly, mostly everyone was interested in the newspaper today!
i saw our school featured in the sports area because the c'div girls made it to the finals.
and the most interesting thing above all was that there was an article on sleeping positions, i mean, don't think wrongly, the way we fall asleep and what does it mean, i sleep like baby position - hard on outside and soft in the heart (?) and mainly on star position LOL. - means i am a very good listener and a person people can turn to. sheryl explains to me and ask me "sure anot" hahaha. and then after that copied something for the chinese oral practice one :P after chinese is dismiss!! wished chenhui, xuefang and trisna good luck for their oral ~ while waiting for chenhui to release, went to bmc with hoying & co.
for gong cha. they brought that, but i brought the other side one, ice cream chocolate :D -ahhniceees♥-
and brought POTATO CHIPS! with hoying and rachel, we 3 went back to school and weijie choonyong they all went elsewhere or home? we went back to school and slacked at canteen while waiting for chenhui to be released. we ate potatochips, hersey (?)'s kisses and i brought 4 packets of chrysanthemum tea LOL.
then we played daidi, followed by cheat, then we took our work out to do, chenhui came and me, hoying and her left school, rachel went for art, we took bus to tiong and went to chenhui's house to h2h.
saw my gugu -aunt- with my cousin from zhangde on the way to chenhui's house, said hi and got her number. then we played and h2h at chenhui's house :D had quite some fun!
tomorrow c'div girls would be playing their floorball finals! good luck girls ♥
though i won't be going because i will be going to study with chenhui and hoying ^^
recently quite alot people stressed and tense up because of n's. cheerup people~ relax yourself abit.
including me though :X but well, whateverrrs! update tomorrow, byebye~ (:
I hate those days that remind me of everything I want to forget.
I wish we never believed the liars, I wish we didn't trust the back stabbers, I wish we never loved the heart-breakers.
Boys lie.Love hurts.We all cry. Parents yell. We always try. We fail and sigh. We’re always never good enough & we just don’t know why.
-FalseApathyy
Labels: i'm still caring. way too much.
hitori te, samishi yo ne.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011 7:29 PM ♥
konichiwa. i'm here to post for today.
i wonder how long can i keep up with blogging actually. hahaha.
chenhui overslept, so i cabbed to school for today.
yayay, quite happy that we cabbed actually. cause i was still having my muscle aches
that i got from monday's friendly match at rp.
and i decided on going to training today and i had my d&t file to carry too.
today started off boring and sort of angry?
what's wrong with trying to be happy? do you have to ask me shutup? i know i'm so annoying la.
but sometimes you also very hyper what? i didn't say anything too.
do you have to shout at me like that? it's very unfair.
and after mothertongue comes chem, then ss. changed siting arrangements in mrs tay's class.
i got put to sit infront. i finally can see something already.
however all my friends are separated though. except trisna, who sat beside me.
samuel and jiaqi both very funny :X
xuefang wasn't happy about her sit because she had to sit alone. hope the teacher changes it for her.
maths class did some work with hoying. then went for d&t, for the entire 1 hour i didn't do much
then after pct, went to the hall, on the way saw wenting, went into the hall with her and aishah
went to change and sit there and do nothing.
floorball training? miss tay came to join our warm up and started playing floorball with us.
i feel quite weird because i never seen her in training before, however with a right handed stick,
she's playing well and looks fun LOL. i got hit by a floorball ball in the nose today by amanda LOL~. sort of painful when it first hit me, but then slowly it doesn't hurt and it's not hurting me completely now.
sort of lucky my nose didn't become red, i'm comfirm a laughing stock to the boys sitting at the stage. ==
but whatever, i'm still ok. in anyways, today isn't a good day. i can't shoot, i got hit in the nose,
i got scolded shutup, everything sucks. but whatever. i hope tomorrow is a better day.
It fucking hurts when you realized that everything you believed in turns out to be completely utter bullshit.-Secretbones
There are only 2 reasons why people can hurt you: 1.You really care about them. 2.They don't really care about you.-FalseApathyy
i'm done with seeing your face everyday. i'm way too stressed out by everything.
and i admit, i miss you terribly. yet i can;t do anything about it. i'm always going to be the ugly girl
in your eye, even though you're everything to me, something i can't erased, the scar that never heals,
the memories that were frozen.
end of post, update again tomorrow? probably. bye.
Labels: i've been missing you ever since.
♡ 
♥i'm tired.
Saturday, August 27, 2011 8:14 PM ♥
when will i know how it feels to be truly happy?
what do we do when we're terribly upset?
how do we react to things that cause an incurable impact?
how do we try to run away?
how can we escape from reality itself?
how do we handle those tortures that are even worser than hell?
how can a scarred heart be healed of it's scar?
how to pick up those little shattered pieces that was broken from lving you?
we cry, we scream, we feel frustrated, feel pathetic, feel terrible, feel like dying,
feel like running from every single thing, feel like just banging heads to the wall to
just forget those terrible memories, impacts, feelings.
no matter how much we try, we just can't run away from it, neither can we face it,
the scar is too big, the impact is too huge, the tortures are lower than painful.
i'e lost faith, lost hope, lost love, above all, everything i once had.
i can never retrieve something that's stolen and has already went into the past.
i'll never be able to move on in this state,
i sympathize with the next guy if it happens in eternity that will love me.
he has to work hundred times harder to heal my heart, make me trust, hope, love and everything
i've lost, he has to build it all back for me again. nasakenai ne?
i'm just so tired of living, so tired of getting hurt, so tired of receiving huge impacts
and tortured by terrible memories and most of all, everything that i don't want to think of,
brought up, or recalled. i'm foolish. i'm stupid, i'm helpless. i'm really useless.
those little things to others, small little things in others' eyes. are treasures to me.
they're one of a kind, i can never retrieve them, they're already gone.
i truly regretted it, and i'm constantly being tortured in a place even worse than hell,
living hell. sakai no chance wa, zero percento. i've learned that love is rubbish, love hurts me,
love brings me pain, love tortures me, love cheats on me, love betrays me, love kills me.
from now on, i replaced love is happiness with love is hatred. love is pain, love is betray, love is torture,
love is losing something. love is regret. i'm really falling deeper and deeper than ever, into this never ending darkness huh? i can't be saved by anyone already.
i can't even save myself, no one is even there to lend me a hand, i don't even help myself up.
just stay down, just stay fallen. just stay hopeless. just stay broken..
It's painful to say goodbye to someone you don't want to let go -
Feels so empty -
Missing someone is a horrible feeling, but knowing that they don't miss you back is so much worse-
Holding on is hurting me. Letting you go will hurt me. Watching you move on will hurt me. No matter what happens, I'll end up hurt.
You can call me every bad thing you can think of, it won't hurt me. I've heard it all before.
It hurts when someone practically tells you that you're not good enough for them. It makes you wonder if you'll be good enough for anyone.
-
, like social events. Get use to a Scorpio's pride. Do not insult it. Scorpio especially likes to be seen with successful people.
The negative traits of a are being vindictive, jealous, inflexible and introverted.
The sign is associated with Intensity, passion, and power.
is powerful, controlling and has a magnetic personality. This domineering sign goes well with Capricorn, Pisces, Cancer and Taurus.
-
Labels: do you remember me.
♥itami te nani.
Thursday, August 25, 2011 10:55 PM ♥
somehow i just want to forget everything that relates to you.
every single thing.
i am too lazy to even post a blog nowadays. i never even reblog anything in my tumblr.
i do update my twitter from time to time though.
n' levels closing in, i'm in a bind. i have no idea to go floorball division two match or
not to go. i'm pressurized. my studies are falling downwards. i have to study more.
yet i can't skip out on floorball too. i feel like it would be my fault for not helping my teammates
if i could them if i am there. however, i still don't know uh.
today is a thursday yet it feels like friday.
many things ran through my head today. i keep thinking of you. it's like a bomb of memories
exploding whenever memories flashed through my head.
i want to get you out of it. i don't want to think of you anymore.
i don't want to hold onto this useless false hope anymore. i hate you to the core.
yet i can never hate you fully. nasakenai ne?
hahs. anyways i updated my blog link with new photos and my featured with new animation.
even my own animation i also added new ones.
since i haven't been updating my blog, i made some modifications to suit my feel when i come back.
my playlist has a complete expoding songs of
54 tracks. I think i am going crazy already. so many tracks.
but whatever. i don't give a damn.
walls are building up. walls that no one would ever overcome, thicker than ever. stronger than that of steel.
i'm just too afraid of everything.
enough of those tortures. i don't want to suffer from loving you one sided anyways, but because of you,
i just can't stop myself from loving you. fucking false hopes are holding me high up, and i know,
somewhere in the sky, i would i dropped and i would die from that falling pressure.
i pierced my ears last week. it doesn't hurt one bit surprisingly.
If there is one thing can't take, it's being deceived, and they always know when they're being deceived.
The positive traits of a are determination, diligence, charm, refinement and a sense of purpose.
The negative traits of a are being vindictive, jealous, inflexible and introverted.
The sign is associated with Intensity, passion, and power.
is the opposite zodiac sign of Taurus.
It is very difficult to pretend or fake in front of a so don't even try it.
-
it sucks most when you can't have what's right in front of you. -
Labels: over protective of myself now. i'm way too afraid of experiencing what i've already did.
♥aitai te negatemo aenai.
Monday, July 18, 2011 12:11 AM ♥
hello, i'm here to post for today, today is quite a long day ^^
i wokeup at 10 plus? and then i saw hoying's message, asking if i've woke up already or not.
i replied her wakeup already, then she already heading out to cut hair, so i wokeup and prepare go out etc.
didn't make it in time to go and accompany her cut hair. chenhui went down to accompany her haircut instead. i went out of house at 11 plus. went to chenhui's house to makeup etc. while waiting for hoying to finish showering at home and come to meet us (: while at chenhui's house waiting for hoying to come and find us, we makeup spent alot of times to find clothes for chenhui wear, and esp on makeup. i draw the eye liner until half the grandma open the door and come in LOL. she scold us say what "you all spend such a long time doing makeups. and then chenhui was like, unhappy like that ahahahha. because the grandma keep standing there while i helping her to draw the eye liner LOL. like, i think two years since i put on eyeliner already, and for chenhui, it's her first time :P expected la. i helped her to draw the top part with abit of cat eyes and the bottom tried to teach her but failed LOL. ahahha, then hoying later cabbed to come and find us at chenhui's house, after she came, we started to take zilian pictures hahaha, ho9ying became really pretty after cutting her hair today, and super glad that she is happy about her haircut at the salon recommended by me :P ahahaha, then shortly after she came, i helped her to tie braids, we did last min preparations, and off we go to tiong to meet kaihong, chester and marcus (: they brought the ticket for us first already, incase there is no more space. and we ended up slacking for abit before the movie starts,
around 2.40 we went into the theater and we sat down to wait for the show to start, the movie was quite interesting, though i somewhat don't understand it because i forgot what happened in the first part, so i didn't exactly understand it in the beginning, but slowly i understood the storyline. the movie wasn't bad, but it didn't actually meet my expectations. sort of disappointed yeah, but it was still awesomeee :D
after the movie, we went to safra together to go pool or bowling. we couldn't get the chance to pool,
because they were having what shit competition in there and we went up for bowling, but the guys didn't know how to play and then they decided to slack there, i wanted to go to henderson wave to spam take pictures, but the guys also didn't want, so endedup we split, girls go henderson wave and boys continue slacking there ~ we went up there to sit and take photos for around 40 minutes-1 hour.
guess what? we saw boonkiat there! LOL, and was like, OMG BOONKIAT! we saw him yesterday. today too LOL~~ then after that we went back to safra, to see if the pool thing end already, cause the person say 6.30 end, then we go ask, fuck the person ok. he say 7.38 to 8 like that then end. = =
then we were like "HUH WTF?" then like that we can;t play already, went to ya kun kaya toast there to meet up with the guys, and over there discussed about what to do next, we had thought of going to cyrus.
then ended up we decided on going to vivo. we had some food while discussing in ya kun. then chenhui was deciding on going back home or go with us, we decided by games. then we ended up playing endless one.
because we wanted her to come no matter what hgahahaha, i played tictactoe with her, i fail badly, i'm bad at it LOL. then the zhuo yi quan you yi quan de thing also i losing to her badly, then slowly i picked up the pace and understood how i can play this game, and got the points back wakakakaka. also, in the bus on the way to vivo, we played the game also, after reaching vivo, we went to the skypack to slack and sit.
and then we ended up playing true or dare, it was certainly super funny luh. the guys are damn epic though :X then we played till around 8.50 going to 9. chenhui wanted to go home, but in the end got bribed by hoying saying she'll sponsor her 10$ for the cab back LOL ♥ she stayed. then 9 we splited up with the boys with the intentions to go home. wanted to take cab together, but then in the end, we walked to vivo taxi stand, LONG QUEUE, walked to harbour front taxi stand, LONG. crossed opposite to the interchange, couldn't get any cab at all, my foot were really tired out because i wore heels for the entire damn day. ): then we couldn't flag any cab at all, chenhui's grandma was furious that she still didn't go home at 9+. she didn't believe chenhui's sister explanation about the cab back to tiong thing, and we couldn't get any cab by 9.30 and we actually went from place to place and attempted on taking it, we ended up taking bus 65, we all dropped off at opposite zhangde there, my legs were seriously too tired, and there is a long way home. i had to take one more bus trip and walk home or i'll have to cover a longer distance, so i endedup cabbing back home. the fare was 3.70. was seriously tired out when i reached home, showered and came online. sian, tomorrow has school and hwp, got ss test about healthcare. gg.com le luh, i didn't study at all, and there is pasar malam around redhill mrt area, wahahaha. so gonna take a look around after school tomorrow with chenhui, i'm currently eating my dinner and it's already 12am.. tomorrow i might be late le luh. hope i don't wakeup late so i don;t have to waste money on cabs, hahahah.
I feel worthless. No matter what i do, i'm still not good enough -
I'm such a good pretender. No one realizes I'm so hurt inside. Yay.-
11:11 Love me back.
Autophobia: The fear of being yourself, The fear of being alone.
11:11 I just want to be happy. I am tired of feeling so worthless everyday.
-
Dear self: stop being a failure. Dear body: get attractive. Dear face: get pretty. Dear personality: get appealing. Dear legs: get skinny...
Nobody has ever replied back with "no you're not okay." Maybe I really am good at pretending or maybe they're too scared to ask.
I miss you. You're probably having a massive amount of fun right now. Without me.
I lack so much confidence. I am ugly. I will still remain ugly, even if I pack on make-up. There is no changing or fixing something ugly.
I don't believe anyone who tells me what they will understand me. It's just another pathetic reason. You're just curious. Fuck off.
Tired of feeling this way. Tired of being fat. Tired of feeling worthless. Tired of being second best. Tired of everything. Tired of life.
I'm tired of trying to be good enough for everyone.
Labels: t i r e d
♥mo kowareteta no mono wa, modoranai yo.
Sunday, July 17, 2011 2:48 AM ♥
hello (: posting for today again ^^. today played div 2 floorball league game first match,
i was teamed together with qianni, amanda, diana, cheryl&emira~
today's game i didn't do that well, because i was super nervous and all.
ok, got which game i not nervous at all one? none. LOL.
but today i really veryvery happy :D first period i was so scared that i would make stupid mistakes
and get scolded ._. then i got very nervous. second period, i somewhat did better abit i think...
then third period, totally so into the game :P like very the... excited?
i feel somewhat better playing with qianni and cheryl too. i won't be that blur as to don't know what to do.
i do make some blur mistakes though, but they're there to correct me and i can actually learn from them.
somewhat because i'm not good and blur for most of the times so i can't keep up with them somehow,
and i'm not used to playing left side yet. but then i feel motivated by qianni when she cheering other
players up and motivating them LOL. then i feel less nervous and just played my part and try to do whatever i can and try no to make mistakes. the score was 13-2 won against np panthera, was really happy and glad to be in division two, starting i was very hesitant, whether anyone would hate me, would scold me and hate me for making mistakes cause i always, somewhat drag people down.. cause i'm somewhat a very inconsistent person :/ i don't know why i can't maintain myself at the standard where i can play best.
and sometimes i played my worse game and dragged everyone down because of that.
anyways, i'm feeling happy, really very glad that i'm in division 2, that they didn't scold me but helped me
and corrected my mistakes.. anyways, the mainpoint is, i can try to build up my confidence, and can build more from now on, if this continues :D after the merahan knightingales game, went to seven eleven with wenting and aishah to eat~ actually wanted to eat at the food court, but it's already closed. so we went to seven eleven instead, ate my spicy mushroom instant noodle and had my apple tea ^^
then went back to the rp indoor sports hall to cheer the merahan sparrows on, their match result was: 4-1, won. then after sparrow's match, aliah who lent my stick returned it to me, and then we walked back from rp to woodlands mrt station, on the way, i was so damn hyper, i spoke malay, i jumped, i throw paper on aliah, i failed, i went to get paper, i lost my balance, i slipped at the grass and almost did a split. wtf funny!
then i went on crazy for awhile more, then i cool down already, then i go singsingsing LOL.
went over to chenhui's house from woodlands. then slacked at her house for awhile.
soon enough, hoying came and we went down to accompany her to cut hair, something expected came up.
the salon closed at 6, and we went there at 7. yeah, the shop was closed, hoying decided that she diedie want to cut hair today, and she wants a trustworthy one, she keeps asking me and chenhui where to cut,
we went with her to tiong bahru, she this one cannot, that one cannot. honestly i don't know what to do.
i know that she wants to have a nice haircut. i understand, but i only know that salon which is closed, and asked her to cut tmr, i can't do anything about it since it's already closed right? so in the end, she had no choice but to agree with me. we went back to chenhui's house to watch gantz after buying some long john and mac. then while we watching, me and chenhui was joking with her, to her, making fun of her, by saying something. cause from time to time we disturb each other too right? maybe we went overboard this time, sorry about that. i stopped awhile after she said don't say anymore. later when chenhui's grandma came home at around 10 plus, the exact time when we're about to go, i had to go into hiding at chenhui's storeroom this time, because the grandma would be unhappy to see my face there. so we're dragged behind. the part where i had to stay in the dark and stuffy storeroom were funny to chenhui and hoying.
hoying like, keep xialan me ma, then like, i abit angry lol. then result as i got angry...
then i became like, throwing tantrums and attitudes at hoying in the lift. seriously, if i can;t afford to play it, i should not start the game right? then in the carpark all the way until i reach home, i was sulking.
yeah, i'm being such a bad person to hoying. and just now msn chat with her, we ended up quarreling again,
i tried to explain things to her but she doesn't get it in my point of view. then i ended up crying, while explaining to her, somehow, honestly, i feel very pressured and stressed out when she keep asking me
questions, and sometimes it's repeatedly same questions, or those questions that anyone will find it hard to answer when asked suddenly. but it's alright now, we've solved the problem already, maybe we should start to think of others in their shoes to avoid problems. tomorrow will be going out to watch hharry potter with chenhui, hoying and 2 other friend of hoying's. will be going to pool and bowling too, and also henderson wave (: hope we all have an enjoyable day tomorrow, and of course i will take tons of pictures tomorrow (: i see myself as a weak being.
Don't let people's compliments go to your head and don't let their criticism get to your heart.
Sometimes, time doesn't always heal a broken heart. It only allows us to deal with the pain.
-
That mood where you just feel upset for no reason and feel so fucking ugly, worthless and stupid and just feel like shit. -ForeverOnline
Every person I've ever trusted has fucked me over. Every single person.
I always try to find a way to blame myself when shit happens. I forgive too easily. I forget that people will just hurt me again and again.
All the suffering and all the pain. One day, it's all going to pay off.
-False apathyy
there are things in the world that would never be the same again even if you get a chance to get it back. there are things that you won't be able to fix. just like the words spoken out of one's mouth can never be taken back again.
i'm not a good friend. i don't have a good personality, i have a lousy character, i have bad anger management, but when i want to be understood, i'll do anything to explain myself fully to you.
-me
and that's all, byebye, update again tmr.
Labels: forgotten.
♥mo ichido, kako ni kaeritai.
Saturday, July 16, 2011 12:09 AM ♥
hello, i'm here to post for today :D
nothing much to post at all actually. today isn't a very good day either :/
morning i overslept abit again ): i wokeup at 6.40 AGAIN. lol. wtf. hahhha
then went to school with chenhui as usual. today caught the train at a later timing but well
in the end we wasn't late when we reached school. remembering yesterday hoying told me to
save a sit for her, so i saved it for her, she xialan when she come LOL. she say "BUEYGEIYAN LEH" LOLOL. then i was like "FUUUUUCKYOU" ok. sort of lame, but not as lame as madeleine and chenhui doing some magic trick LOL~~~ then first 2 hours was D&T. hahaha, super slackish for me though.
time passed super slowly for D&T lesson. i modified my orthographic drawing and darkened it too.
then i continue on drawing my exploded drawing. i haven finish drawing my contextual omgg.
i have no idea how to continue the story. and i'm like so many things haven do yet!!
and i am so damn fucking really really omfg behind time! ):
diediediediedie LOL. hahahaha, anyways after D&T comes chinese.
as for chinese we did some newspaper report, then recess, then maths,
got my test results back, got so damn disappointed and sad.
then after that is pct. very angry on top of being sad. indeed a bad day.
after all that, went to foyer and watch huiwen and syaril sing. huiwen xiao wang zi la HAHAHAHA XD
both of them sing very nice also :P and then went to mrs tay's homeroom for stay back and
extra lessons. then staystaystay, stayed all the way till 5 pm. hahaha, on the time when staying,
madeleine and hoying and chenhui like jokers la, damn funny.
too lazy to elaborate this much. watched too much one piece and decided to leave posting for later.
didn't expect later to be past 12 already. ahhaha. then tomorrow is division 2 league game,
sian, need travel all the way to rp for every game :| but whatevers, hope i dont make any mistakes tmr.
i don't want to be scolded. later i feel left out, hated etc again = = ok whatever.
I was so stupid, stupid to give you a second chance to hurt me. -FalseApathyy
Labels: just impossible.
♥kaeru no dokoro.
Thursday, July 14, 2011 10:07 PM ♥
hello, i'm here to post for today, actually wanted to drag the timing to post, but can't, gotta off at 10,
my mum told me from 11 to 10.30 to 10 need to off ~_~
each day getting more and more earlier ):
today woke up at the same timing as yesterday - 6.40 [ops getting more and more late]
then went to prepare and all that then went to mrt meet chenhui and went to school tgt.
reached school at around 7.15-7.25? sort of late as each day passes by hahaha,
maybe i'm too exhausted from floorball somehow :X
hahah, first period is english, hmms, sort of boring, however, with samuel and jiaqi in the same group,
though i don't interact with them much, i try to talk to them, and got a sweet to eat today, felt quite
happy that i can at least talk abit to them. hahaha, then comes bio class. forgot to bring my
bio notebook, used foolscap instead. somewhat glad i am able to catch up with what miss prema
is teaching about too. hehehhe, and history class is the fun part of today for me ^^
played the other type of murderer which is played by holding hands. and yeah! mr. sekaran never come,
YAY! LOL. when he comes, we chiong work, he;s not around, relax ourselves abit :P
then during recess, ate with hoying, madeleine and xuefang ^^
after recess comes maths, went to miss neo's class with hoying, expecting chenhui they all to be there playing, but got it wrongly :X we're the first two to reach the class, so we started off with the
maths notebook and question. it's one map and scale, lucky i remember how to do :D
and thennnnnn, we had a maths test! i didn't hear about that! was shocked, however lucky miss neo
gave us time to revise abit, it's on varietion, map and scale & algebra (?) i hear algebra coming out
i got super nervous and scared omg. but when we were doing the test, luckyme, i know how to do the questions ^^ and the worse part is the last question, question 8 omgggg!! ): i left 8b blank. it's varietion
i can't understand and i didn't have enough time. heheheh, after maths we had mother tongue. today chinese lesson is read newspaper, surprisingly, mostly everyone was interested in the newspaper today!
i saw our school featured in the sports area because the c'div girls made it to the finals.
and the most interesting thing above all was that there was an article on sleeping positions, i mean, don't think wrongly, the way we fall asleep and what does it mean, i sleep like baby position - hard on outside and soft in the heart (?) and mainly on star position LOL. - means i am a very good listener and a person people can turn to. sheryl explains to me and ask me "sure anot" hahaha. and then after that copied something for the chinese oral practice one :P after chinese is dismiss!! wished chenhui, xuefang and trisna good luck for their oral ~ while waiting for chenhui to release, went to bmc with hoying & co.
for gong cha. they brought that, but i brought the other side one, ice cream chocolate :D -ahhniceees♥-
and brought POTATO CHIPS! with hoying and rachel, we 3 went back to school and weijie choonyong they all went elsewhere or home? we went back to school and slacked at canteen while waiting for chenhui to be released. we ate potatochips, hersey (?)'s kisses and i brought 4 packets of chrysanthemum tea LOL.
then we played daidi, followed by cheat, then we took our work out to do, chenhui came and me, hoying and her left school, rachel went for art, we took bus to tiong and went to chenhui's house to h2h.
saw my gugu -aunt- with my cousin from zhangde on the way to chenhui's house, said hi and got her number. then we played and h2h at chenhui's house :D had quite some fun!
tomorrow c'div girls would be playing their floorball finals! good luck girls ♥
though i won't be going because i will be going to study with chenhui and hoying ^^
recently quite alot people stressed and tense up because of n's. cheerup people~ relax yourself abit.
including me though :X but well, whateverrrs! update tomorrow, byebye~ (:
I hate those days that remind me of everything I want to forget.
I wish we never believed the liars, I wish we didn't trust the back stabbers, I wish we never loved the heart-breakers.
Boys lie.Love hurts.We all cry. Parents yell. We always try. We fail and sigh. We’re always never good enough & we just don’t know why.
-FalseApathyy
Labels: i'm still caring. way too much.
♥hitori te, samishi yo ne.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011 7:29 PM ♥
konichiwa. i'm here to post for today.
i wonder how long can i keep up with blogging actually. hahaha.
chenhui overslept, so i cabbed to school for today.
yayay, quite happy that we cabbed actually. cause i was still having my muscle aches
that i got from monday's friendly match at rp.
and i decided on going to training today and i had my d&t file to carry too.
today started off boring and sort of angry?
what's wrong with trying to be happy? do you have to ask me shutup? i know i'm so annoying la.
but sometimes you also very hyper what? i didn't say anything too.
do you have to shout at me like that? it's very unfair.
and after mothertongue comes chem, then ss. changed siting arrangements in mrs tay's class.
i got put to sit infront. i finally can see something already.
however all my friends are separated though. except trisna, who sat beside me.
samuel and jiaqi both very funny :X
xuefang wasn't happy about her sit because she had to sit alone. hope the teacher changes it for her.
maths class did some work with hoying. then went for d&t, for the entire 1 hour i didn't do much
then after pct, went to the hall, on the way saw wenting, went into the hall with her and aishah
went to change and sit there and do nothing.
floorball training? miss tay came to join our warm up and started playing floorball with us.
i feel quite weird because i never seen her in training before, however with a right handed stick,
she's playing well and looks fun LOL. i got hit by a floorball ball in the nose today by amanda LOL~. sort of painful when it first hit me, but then slowly it doesn't hurt and it's not hurting me completely now.
sort of lucky my nose didn't become red, i'm comfirm a laughing stock to the boys sitting at the stage. ==
but whatever, i'm still ok. in anyways, today isn't a good day. i can't shoot, i got hit in the nose,
i got scolded shutup, everything sucks. but whatever. i hope tomorrow is a better day.
It fucking hurts when you realized that everything you believed in turns out to be completely utter bullshit.-Secretbones
There are only 2 reasons why people can hurt you: 1.You really care about them. 2.They don't really care about you.-FalseApathyy
i'm done with seeing your face everyday. i'm way too stressed out by everything.
and i admit, i miss you terribly. yet i can;t do anything about it. i'm always going to be the ugly girl
in your eye, even though you're everything to me, something i can't erased, the scar that never heals,
the memories that were frozen.
end of post, update again tomorrow? probably. bye.
Labels: i've been missing you ever since.
♡
Name: thwishing-stars.bs 
November 2010
