Seasons are changing, as time past, people change, but feelings never do. ♥

Thursday, December 15, 2011 1:00 AM ♥


heree: credits
my lunch! curry omu rice (;

akanishi jin test drive ♥


hello, i'm here to update for today, same as always, forever having a longlong post.
really, not trying to be shameless here, but i feel like i'm the happiest girl on earth now. LOL.

well, i'll start off with explaining what happened today~
i went to school for floorball match.
today's opponent is east spring. they played with our cgirls followed by us.
poor thing huh, play 2 continuous games, LOL.
anyways apparently today's match was the last match sara used to select us for school team
for next year Bdiv (:
today's game first period first few minutes was okay, but afterwards i started making
abit of mistakes. hahahaha. sara scolded me of course ^o^
but today sara is good, he scold, but he got guild us.
as usual, my line is amanda, nina, khalissa and me ~
2nd period, apparently wasn't as good either, i tried to do different things,
but failed. hahahah. 3rd period, sara put line 1 and 2 out and moved line 3,4 and 5(?) in.
he was selecting player for next year team, well of course he was fair today, he wanted to see
everyone's performance. well, however during the 4th period,
most of us were hyped up! line 2 (saliza, dee, linxuan & aishah) were outstanding (;!
anggun they all were screaming and cheering loudly when they score! hahaha.
i personally think the 4th period was the best out of all. it's as if we're really a team,
and bonding. i also think i can communicate with my line better during the last period.
afterall we spoke out to one and other, which made me feel, sort of? really happy :D
the match ended with us winning the game, however i have no idea whats the score :X

after the game, went to meet sheryl and we went to great world and eat lunch together
at food junction ;p i was wondering what to eat when the stall i ate the prev time closed
down ): ended up eating the one beside that. curry omu rice ♥. i'm so lucky!
that dish has no meat :D it's nice too.

after eating, went and walk around greatworld with sheryl, i brought a pen,
to write a letter/note of course. for you.
well, after buying that pen, we went down to mac, she wanted to eat ice cream..
actually i wanted too, but i realized that i spent my last note on the pen.
she offered to lend me, but i don't want to owe her so i rejected :X
while she was eating her icecream, i was over there talking with her, slacking and playing with my phone of course. all the way until 3 plus (if i am not wrong) we were about to leave and
'whoooshhh' > kaiyeow walked pass. we were like > "OMG?" LOLOL. hahahah
then sheryl actually takes 32 to go home but she offered to take bus with me to tiong
and then change to mrt, hahaha so kind of her (; so we walked to the busstop,
i was like "oh shit, kaiyeow is there too, OMG LOL." then i was fixed on taking 16
because i know he would definitely take 195. yaaa, AWKWARD LOL. first 195 came, i thought it was 16 and walked to the front to prepare to flag bus. he was standing rightttt at the front, but behind.
then the bus come, it was 195, i failed LOL. then lucky the bus behind is 16, so me and sheryl
took 16! HAHAHAHA, because my house busstop is 2 stop before tiong, so i alighted
there. then sheryl alight there also, so i pei her wait for her bus.
and then, went home (;


then following up, the screenshots below is me and chenhui talking about a dog.
which is apparently also the same guy in all the remaining screenshots (:
okay, i'm gonna keep the story simple and short.
apparently, my audi cpl is a dog. he has no manners, he is rude, he is selfish.
worse of all, he thinks he's big, he's 16, same as me.
the most childish person i ever seen in my whole 16 years.
and whats more? i'm always enduring his fuckedup attitude and tolerating.
he dares to 'test' me if i am selfish, and what's the funny part about it?
he even states that he's testing if i'm selfish. HAH. lameshit.
later on ~
i went into audi > couple garden.
i went and flower and take care of the plant.
since he want say i selfish earlier on right? i decided to ask him on and take everything.
i at 8:16 msn, he 9:02 reply. still dare use vulgar on me.
if in audi i nvr reply obviously i am afk-ing right? then he come msn CAPS me somemore.
then i go back audi i see. wow. he spammed me with "OIs" and "CB" "knnpcb"
obviously i got angry right on the spot ^-^. see for yourself the convo below.
what a dog he is. i'm super sure i'll break cpl him soon. laughs. okay, end of post, bye ♥.
talking about some dog. hahahah.
lanjiao convo.
the rudest person i ever see.
aged 16 yet so childish.
sorry my tolerance not unlimited one.

xialan max.
never even say sorry. such a _|_.
run and don't come back. dw see your cockface anyways.

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todoke, zettai kimi ni todoke. ♥

Wednesday, December 14, 2011 1:13 AM ♥


cousin(left)
zilians.
v^-^v
v^3^v
i got the HUXUUU.
decided not to hide my fat face.
4th love party.
letter.
club III their ring make me jelly only.
epic moment. best (solo) couple.

hello, here to upddate about today (13th) ^^.
today is just another ordinary day.
except my cousin came over to my house with my aunt and dad. hahahah.
she came over with a goodie bag for me, aww, how sweet ♥.

hahaha anyways she came over and she started to take my phone,
and then she continuously played with the games in my phone! hahahah.
for once i didn't say no ^-^ i'm so kind.

i spoke to her about where she's headed to next year, afterall she took her psle.
however the teacher wants her to retain, and put a repeat there.
she could've gone to henderson sec if the teacher didn't put that. =_=
stupid teacher. now ended up she has to go to northlight. which is a school
that she would be trained and headed to ite after 4 years of life in that school.
hahahs,anyways while she was here, i took the chance to use my webcam to snap
one picture with her (; after that i took a few zilians LOL.
it has been so long since i took zilian, lmao. because i find myself very ugly now.

i've got cui fringe. idk if i should cut back to bangs or what.
and my dad keep trying to persuade me to cut my whole hair, say my hair
alot etc. but it's not. =_= my hair naturally looks like it's alot.
but he not me, so he dk, how much i dropped in the past months,
by drop, i mean hairfall of course. anyways, it's 14th today <3 and counting down,
5 more days, to N's result, i think as the date draws closer, we become more
aware of the coming of the day, and eventually get nervous.

i hope we won't be separated from each other. i can't imagine life without my daily
bestfriends and my group, days without getting to see you. so i'm a little afraid here.
i hope we'll all be together, forever ♥.

oh, and it's wednesday already. sigh. later gonna have match with east view.
i hope i don't make foolish mistakes and drag the teammates in my line down again.
and, after match, shall be going to eat!

so many complicated things happening nowadays. like everyone's life is 
totally messed up. i still feel as fat and ugly as ever.
as if i'm never good enough for anything, never good enough to be anything.
always being a burden to people. always dragging their hardest efforts down.
i hate this fat body of mine, this ugly face i have, this lousy body. i hate me.
that's all for today.

bye.


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mata ashita ga kuru.

Monday, December 12, 2011 11:50 PM ♥


updates from past 2-3 days.
NANA's wedding
love party 2.
love party 3.
random pict from last time
random pict 2.
and so, i did post a few ss of audi, but i never actually play alot nowadays already, more of like, losing interest? hahahha probably.
i'm losing interest in a variety of things, alot of things infact.
i'm like, so lifeless nowadays.
1 more week to N's result. i am halfway planned for my future.
as for the ite part, i've already covered it. as for going to sec 5,
i'm probably not prepared. there's alot of things i'm unsure of.
i used to have this mindset of going to sec 5 is the only thing i am aiming.
but the me now, doesn't really fit or want the sec 5.
because the min i think of going up to sec 5, i know everything i'll be facing.
it's maybe too much for me to handle. and, not all of us can make it there too.
if i get to sec 5, i have to study so hard, so hard that i'll hardly have anytime to
rest, to relax, to play. i'm not even sure if i am smart enough to pass the O's.
on the other hand, there is also floorball, not trying to be shameless but i think i have
a higher chance of making it into the school team, let's say if i make it into the school
team, i have to contribute to the school, i'll have to answer to those high
expectations again. i'm sort of sick, of all those expectations. and i know i'm not good.
i'm just not good enough because it always seem that i'm the one making all the mistakes,
and pulling the entire line down, i see nina khalissa and amanda always so hardworking,
they always give their all, but i'm always messing things up, always making mistakes,
always getting scolded for making my clumsy and dumb mistakes etc,
eventually i came to the thinking that if i wasn't there it'll be better for the team.
all negative thinking yeahs.

okay enough about the floorball thing. last saturday went to a christmas party organized by
dave, boon kiat went too. i went with chenhui and hoying, we played er, whacko,
3-legged step on balloons and music chairs. the 2nd game i got partner with
boonkiat's sister, she very energetic man, she move here and there i get pulled by her LOL.
my leg is like, damn pain, and it still hurts now. down with flu nowadays too. have no idea why.

this wednesday another match again, this time is with east view, not very eager on it as
it'll be another scolding for me probably. i know, if i'm afraid of making mistakes i'll never improve.
but what if i keep making mistakes? that's another story, i'm probably just a burden that pulls
all their efforts down.

anyways,will be going to kbox this saturday with chenhui and probably hoying or more?
motive is to just enjoy and practice singing with chenhui as we will be performing together
(me & chenhui) on the 7th jan 2012 at toa payoh, singing first love
by utada hikaru. and i spent like, almost most of my savings on present, only for one person.
you better be grateful man. i never spend money until so gan yuan before lor.
but still, probably i don't have the confidence. i still think i'm ugly, i'm fat, i'm no good at anything.
gotta buck up on my own self esteem. thats all to the post. ciaos.

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to be alone is to be lonely.

Thursday, December 8, 2011 2:12 AM ♥


this was when i'm trying the dress on the night before LOL.

actual day @ chenhui's house.
my hair done for 35$ LOL.
i find this the better looking one.
the ladies ♥

random.
♥
the prettiest girl i admit i see on prom.
girls ♥
some ugly zilian.

hello, long time no post, so i just decided to make a post today, currently came to post because i visited xf's blog and reading her blog inspired me to blog ^^. it's been so long since i updated. hahas. shall just post a few pictures from prom night and talk about today (:
prom, hahahah speaking of it, it's like, so long ago, like last month.
was sort of expecting you to be there, but end up you didn't turn up, well,
it's already past like, don't know how many months. i still don't get why i can't get over you.

yeah you, even though i was the one who took the initiative to leave. (i didn't want to)
but i ended up leaving (i didn't have a choice anyways)
better than being a 3rd party and cause unhappiness, the me of that time rather just
just and you can be happy with her, but months have passed and situation had changed.

whatever, shall end it there.

speaking of recently,  ~

wedding party.

club III

love party
today i had my wedding party in audition. and right afterthat
my audi cpl updated me that the new version of hack is out, and therefore,
he sent it to me and we instantly starting chionging out ring. and we had our first
 love party soon after we reached 30 hearts.

and i had training today too. i went for training and we spent like 45 minutes on drills.
and most of the drills, or infact all, consist of sprinting and running etc, then most of the
drills have ladder drills inside too. sigh, ladder thing make my leg go muscle ache.

oh, and before training during warm up i actually saw her. hahaha though i should be caring must but it's just so disturbing. for a moment that is. then soon after it doesn't even bother me at all.
because training doesn't seem to be so tiring but i end up having breathing difficulties,
like shortness of breathe and all, i wanted to giveup halfway and tell sara i can't breathe i want to rest.
but i endedup not saying anything. i'm just, too conserved i guess? or, am i just too strongwilled to just giveup halfway while others are training? i have no idea, anyways, this friday,
there's gonna be a friendly match starting at 10, with orchid park sec. gosh, we have to be in school by9.30. i doubt i can wakeup. but i have to drag myself to school. then following, this saturday,
there is a christmas party organised by dave! (: i hope chenhui would want to go with me,
honesly, i don't really like the way she's being wishywashy about it. it doesn't involve alot thinnking too though, but i think i'm the one in wrong because i too selfish. hahaha. and hoying is going if i'm not wrong. she's just afraid that she cannot wake up bebcause we're meeting at 1045.

oh, and 19th is coming soon after next week. sigh, i don't have much plans for my future yet.
and i'm too afraid i'll make it to sec 5, and i can't handle the stress, i'm also too afraid that i can't make it to ite higher nitec or nitec. i am also worried that my marks won't get me anywhere.
sigh, i'm such a coward.

even if i get you back, even if i can, i wonder if i will ever have to confidence, that you'll definitely stay by my side? honestly i don't for now. i think i'm just being an extra between you and her. i also know i'm not good enough, that she's like, so many times prettier than me, better than me, kinder than me, skinnier than me and so on. probably.

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i don't need love.

Thursday, October 20, 2011 9:06 PM ♥







hello, long time since i ever posted on this blog.
exams are already over, i did try to study for my N's.
however i didn't study as hard as i did for prelims, maybe i only can study really hard for once seriously.

went out with chenhui and hoying today, i brought my prom dress.
it's abit tight fitting for M size. maybe i should've gotten myself the large one.
however the large one is abit too lose for me to wear too.

nothing much is going right nowadays.
i just hope something good would happen soon.
i'm still in the middle hanging on and trying to let you go fully.
sometimes somehow i still miss you alot.
but i know nothing matters to you anymore.
it doesn't matter if it isn't the same.
as long as you still love me, that was what i thought.

however i got what i deserved from you in the end, you've got your revenge
you have no use for me, you don't need me anymore.
i'm never ever good enough for you, i'm not pretty, i'm not skinny,
and i'm not so kind either. but i really did gave my best.
but it doesn't matter now anymore. i didn't exist in your mind anyway.
i didn't even cross your mind even once.
nothing seems to get better at all.
i'm just getting more and more miserable as i try to forget you.
i just keep getting reminded of everything everywhere i go.
i wonder how you can be so happy without me, and even forget me so clearly,
while i'm here like this, in such a pathetic state, it's sort of unfair isn't it?
for you to cheat on me and run like this.

nothing ever goes right in life, because if something does, the good thing would contradict
and that's when nothing good happens again.

i shall stop crapping. i just hope that one day everything would just fade away.

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i'm tired.

Saturday, August 27, 2011 8:14 PM ♥


 when will i know how it feels to be truly happy?
what do we do when we're terribly upset?
how do we react to things that cause an incurable impact?
how do we try to run away?
how can we escape from reality itself?
how do we handle those tortures that are even worser than hell?
how can a scarred heart be healed of it's scar?
how to pick up those little shattered pieces that was broken from lving you?
we cry, we scream, we feel frustrated, feel pathetic, feel terrible, feel like dying,
feel like running from every single thing, feel like just banging heads to the wall to
just forget those terrible memories, impacts, feelings.
no matter how much we try, we just can't run away from it, neither can we face it,
the scar is too big, the impact is too huge, the tortures are lower than painful.
i'e lost faith, lost hope, lost love, above all, everything i once had.
i can never retrieve something that's stolen and has already went into the past.
i'll never be able to move on in this state,
i sympathize with the next guy if it happens in eternity that will love me.
he has to work hundred times harder to heal my heart, make me trust, hope, love and everything
i've lost, he has to build it all back for me again. nasakenai ne?
i'm just so tired of living, so tired of getting hurt, so tired of receiving huge impacts
and tortured by terrible memories and most of all, everything that i don't want to think of,
brought up, or recalled. i'm foolish. i'm stupid, i'm helpless. i'm really useless.
those little things to others, small little things in others' eyes. are treasures to me.
they're one of a kind, i can never retrieve them, they're already gone.
i truly regretted it, and i'm constantly being tortured in a place even worse than hell,
living hell. sakai no chance wa, zero percento. i've learned that love is rubbish, love hurts me,
love brings me pain, love tortures me, love cheats on me, love betrays me, love kills me.
from now on, i replaced love is happiness with love is hatred. love is pain, love is betray, love is torture,
love is losing something. love is regret. i'm really falling deeper and deeper than ever, into this never ending darkness huh? i can't be saved by anyone already.
i can't even save myself, no one is even there to lend me a hand, i don't even help myself up.
just stay down, just stay fallen. just stay hopeless. just stay broken..


It's painful to say goodbye to someone you don't want to let go -

Feels so empty -

Missing someone is a horrible feeling, but knowing that they don't miss you back is so much worse- 

Holding on is hurting me. Letting you go will hurt me. Watching you move on will hurt me. No matter what happens, I'll end up hurt.

You can call me every bad thing you can think of, it won't hurt me. I've heard it all before.

It hurts when someone practically tells you that you're not good enough for them. It makes you wonder if you'll be good enough for anyone.

-

 , like social events. Get use to a Scorpio's pride. Do not insult it. Scorpio especially likes to be seen with successful people.

The negative traits of a are being vindictive, jealous, inflexible and introverted.

The sign is associated with Intensity, passion, and power.

is powerful, controlling and has a magnetic personality. This domineering sign goes well with Capricorn, Pisces, Cancer and Taurus.

-

 

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itami te nani.

Thursday, August 25, 2011 10:55 PM ♥



somehow i just want to forget everything that relates to you.
every single thing.
i am too lazy to even post a blog nowadays. i never even reblog anything in my tumblr.
i do update my twitter from time to time though.
n' levels closing in, i'm in a bind. i have no idea to go floorball division two match or
not to go. i'm pressurized. my studies are falling downwards. i have to study more.
yet i can't skip out on floorball too. i feel like it would be my fault for not helping my teammates
if i could them if i am there. however, i still don't know uh.
today is a thursday yet it feels like friday.
many things ran through my head today. i keep thinking of you. it's like a bomb of memories
exploding whenever memories flashed through my head.
i want to get you out of it. i don't want to think of you anymore.
i don't want to hold onto this useless false hope anymore. i hate you to the core.
yet i can never hate you fully. nasakenai ne?
hahs. anyways i updated my blog link with new photos and my featured with new animation.
even my own animation i also added new ones.
since i haven't been updating my blog, i made some modifications to suit my feel when i come back.
my playlist has a complete expoding songs of 54 tracks. I think i am going crazy already. so many tracks.
but whatever. i don't give a damn.

walls are building up. walls that no one would ever overcome, thicker than ever. stronger than that of steel.
i'm just too afraid of everything.
enough of those tortures. i don't want to suffer from loving you one sided anyways, but because of you,
i just can't stop myself from loving you. fucking false hopes are holding me high up, and i know,
somewhere in the sky, i would i dropped and i would die from that falling pressure.

i pierced my ears last week. it doesn't hurt one bit surprisingly.


If there is one thing can't take, it's being deceived, and they always know when they're being deceived.

The positive traits of a are determination, diligence, charm, refinement and a sense of purpose.

The negative traits of a are being vindictive, jealous, inflexible and introverted.

The sign is associated with Intensity, passion, and power.

is the opposite zodiac sign of Taurus.
It is very difficult to pretend or fake in front of a so don't even try it.


-  


 it sucks most when you can't have what's right in front of you. -


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